I belong to Sorrow..

Haven't posted for quite some time right? Yeap, yeap. Hehehehehhehe. A lot has happened during my absence. I am now undergoing 6 months internship at Sri Pentas under Media Prima. Yes, I am in the building where many television stations, not to mention Grand Brilliance Sdn Bhd lives in.

Anyway, so far I have 2 jobs. Both for TV9. It's been nearly 2 weeks I'm here. 18 weeks more to go! Notice that when I say 18 weeks, it sounds shorter than me saying 6 months. I had a day off yesterday. Went to UKM to settle some unsettled stuff. And of course, met my bf! Hehehehhehe. I sooo miss him! We chatted a lot...and I just felt bliss being with him. There is nothing I want more than just being with him.

Ohh...guess what? These past few days I kept seeing artistes come and go at Sri Pentas. Saw Fasha Sandha & Jehan Miskin (again) just now. My bf likes her...I don't. Haha. Ahh...what the heck. I like seeing artistes, but not enough to like be fanatic over them. They're just human like the rest of us. The difference between us and them is, they have more money! Hahahhaaha. Of course, other people like Datuk2 & Datin2 also have more money. =P

God, I soo miss my bf! I am now really sleepy...due to late night yesterday and excessive travelling (yeah right!). I pray that we really are meant for each other and that day will come soon. It's not like I am desperate or somewhat...it's just that I kept thinking what will happen during the long length of time (if it's many many years to come). Sometimes, I just wish I'd never met him then and I would just meet him somewhere in the future where both of us are already making money and ready.

Goshhh...I have to do a LOT of things before I can go into that you know. I wanted to wear tudung permanently...but I have set a target for it. If I achieve that target, then I will wear permanently. I want to be perfect. Not only in his eyes, but in mine too. However, I always have these negative thoughts about myself. I know I am abusing myself with all these negative things...but I am powerless to control it. I kept asking myself, when...when...how...how... Ughh!!! I am so sick of this!

I am sick of myself being powerless of everything. Is this because of the way I grew up? Seriously, I grew up as always being put down by my mother. She kept saying that I can't be this and that. I need a motivation...I need some comfort...I need someone to help me...I need a strong current to lift my spirit up...I need a boost of...I dunno...of everything!!!!!!!! I'm helpless, I'm useless, I'm lazy, I'm slow, I'm dumb...I want to cry.............