when there is so much feelings

You want to know something? My life is unstable. I set my priorities before. But suddenly I feel that it is not balanced enough. I am missing out on something. I need my own space but at the same time, I need someone with me. How confusing is that?

I ask questions to myself a LOT. Have I forgotten my friends? Have I forgotten the important things that I need in my life? Have I lost the sense of myself? Have I lost balance in my life? What is it that I want actually? Why can't I have what I always wanted?

I want to be loved. Not just loved, but a full scale of loving. Am I expecting too much? You know, I told him that I need to be alone. I need to figure things out. We are contantly having these feelings of...tak puas hati with each other. And most of the time, I feel pretty much left out. I feel far from him. Even though we see each other every day, 24 minus probably 7 hours a day, but I cannot feel his careness as much as before. I always seemed to be reaching out, for him. It's like, I want you like this so I have to tell you to do it.

It's right huh? That the longer we are with someone, as friends or partner, we take advantage of the situation. We do everything in lesser amount. With me, I don't want any lesser. I just wish everything will always be the same. I often try to voice out my feelings, my opinions, but I always lose in a debate. In the end, everything will be pointed out to me. I will be the main culprit. Frankly, I am tired of being the one who is in the wrong side. Couldn't my say be a consideration in all of this? I know that I am not like most people with looks and money. I am not like others who can throw expensive gifts. For heaven's sake, I don't have it all!

Truth is, I have a problem. An inside problem. Psycho problem. I am not afraid to admit. I have a very low self-esteem and I constantly feel the worst of myself. I always compare myself to people and feel inadequate with myself. But I never tell anyone. Because in real life, I am a good actor. Silently, I hope he knows me and understand. But until now, I am keeping mummed about it and I know that he is puzzled with my behaviour. But there's nothing I can do. I just hope that one day he will find that and understand. I am not like many people. I need that extra attention from him.

I miss him. I don't deny that. Come on, how can you not miss someone who you love and see every day? But I made up my mind, I need some time. He is getting tired with me and all my doings, and I am in a position where I really need his attention and not getting enough. I don't want things to get worse. Some time apart should be good for us to think and grow I hope.

I want to enjoy this one week of holiday before going for studies again. My friends are here for me. I have tons of stuff to do at home. I can think about stuff alone while jogging or doing my exercise. I chose the right moment. Time.