In His hands

Being in love. So many people out there think it's as easy as 1,2,3. And many think that being in love is so beautiful. It's beautiful when everything is right. It then turns bitter when the monster's out from the closet. Yesterday, I felt so hard parting from my bf. That unwanting-to-part-from-him feeling is so big that all I wish right then was the ability to just be with him every second of every day.

I prayed just now. I prayed and I asked God to give me a sign if he is the one. I want him to be. I now know why people in love always marry early. Sometimes, they've only known each other for 3 months, and decided to get married. Most, a year. I prayed to God with all of my heart. I asked Him for a lot of things. I asked Him for guidance. I asked Him for the will in helping me to be strong.

I cried. I feel so helpless. I feel so...useless. I feel like I cannot do anything at all for my life. I asked God to farther me away from Satan's evil intentions and from nafsu that will get me to the path of darkness. I want to be in the path of righteousness. But...I know I am weak. I keep falling into my own wants and those darkness traps. I asked Him to help me in keeping my faith to His religion. I asked Him to keep me strong in facing the reality in my life...the hardships...

I am a few steps away from graduating. And I am scared of what I am going to do after that. How am I going to juggle my love life and my working life? Moreover, how am I going to succeed to be a fully grown woman? How am I going to be prepared to be a wife someday? Honestly, I often think I can't. And I can't wait for the long years. Seriously.

I pray to God to help me get through my life. I asked him for any signs. And so far, what I get is taking a time out. For a while. It's like Him telling me that I have to sacrifice to help me be sane. I know if we stay together for really long, it'll drive him crazy. It's because girls are prone to talk about marriage. Guys, dislike that stuff. They only talk about it when they really are going for it. I, am surprising myself by always talking about it now. I know I got to stop. But I don't think it'll (the stop talking bout it) last long.

So, that's what God told me. Maybe I will try not being too dependent and try to be patient by not seeing him too often. Time-off? Not now. Maybe when it gets drastic. When it gets to the point that soem measures have to be taken. I pray to God with all of my heart and leave all the decisions in His hands.