Under-mood

Want to know what I feel now? Not in the mood. I'm not in the mood to just simply talk to anyone, not in the mood to eat (even though my tummy is calling for sumthing...i think!), not in the mood to try and be happy, not in the mood to go to work tomorrow (but I have to), not in the mood to drive, not in the mood to chat, ...etc etc.

So why the heck am I in front of the computer? Well, because I'm not a sleeper kinda person. I only go to sleep when it's bedtime. Because at that time, my body respond to my brain telling me to shut my system. So, I go on the computer. I love the computer because with it, I can write, be creative and do my own thing. But right now I am having shoulder pain...the result from working too much on the comp (but my job requires me to!).

My bf and I had a fight (part of why I'm not in the mood). I guess life is not a glass full huh? And I couldn't believe that I fell for a fairy tale story. I forget about what I remembered so long ago. Love and faith to religion and God is permanent, eternity...whereas love to other people, maybe not. I believed that he would always love me and never turn away. I believed our love is eternity. I believed that he would never get bored of me. I believed he wants me for who I am. I believe he would be fine with me now and in the future.

But I realized...that one day...maybe someday...everything that I believed in will eat me up. He would maybe forget about me. Lost his love for me. He would maybe get bored of me. And fly away from me. It hurts me...it hurts me so deeply inside, so much that I feel my heart is slicing itself and tearing itself to bits. I cried thinking of the possibilities. In my cries, I asked God to help me. I know I have done countless sins and yet, I still hope that He would forgive me and help me. I asked Him to guide me in every decisions I make and to guide me getting through my faith.

I don't know what to do now. Either lie down or finish my work. I have 3 jobs which I have to finish by Monday. Unfortunately, I have to go to work tomorrow. My shoulder is aching hard. I hope it's nothing serious. Anyway, I thought about dying just now. I hope that I can die repented from my sins and being faithful to my religion. I asked God to help me in achieving my goal. If I am meant to die early, please help me solve anything that is unsolved.

p/s: I know he would read this. If not today, then tomorrow. If not tomorrow, some day. Just to let him know that I am deeply and terribly SORRY. I am emotionally fragile and it's best if I just be quiet for a while. Daa~