when there is so much feelings

You want to know something? My life is unstable. I set my priorities before. But suddenly I feel that it is not balanced enough. I am missing out on something. I need my own space but at the same time, I need someone with me. How confusing is that?

I ask questions to myself a LOT. Have I forgotten my friends? Have I forgotten the important things that I need in my life? Have I lost the sense of myself? Have I lost balance in my life? What is it that I want actually? Why can't I have what I always wanted?

I want to be loved. Not just loved, but a full scale of loving. Am I expecting too much? You know, I told him that I need to be alone. I need to figure things out. We are contantly having these feelings of...tak puas hati with each other. And most of the time, I feel pretty much left out. I feel far from him. Even though we see each other every day, 24 minus probably 7 hours a day, but I cannot feel his careness as much as before. I always seemed to be reaching out, for him. It's like, I want you like this so I have to tell you to do it.

It's right huh? That the longer we are with someone, as friends or partner, we take advantage of the situation. We do everything in lesser amount. With me, I don't want any lesser. I just wish everything will always be the same. I often try to voice out my feelings, my opinions, but I always lose in a debate. In the end, everything will be pointed out to me. I will be the main culprit. Frankly, I am tired of being the one who is in the wrong side. Couldn't my say be a consideration in all of this? I know that I am not like most people with looks and money. I am not like others who can throw expensive gifts. For heaven's sake, I don't have it all!

Truth is, I have a problem. An inside problem. Psycho problem. I am not afraid to admit. I have a very low self-esteem and I constantly feel the worst of myself. I always compare myself to people and feel inadequate with myself. But I never tell anyone. Because in real life, I am a good actor. Silently, I hope he knows me and understand. But until now, I am keeping mummed about it and I know that he is puzzled with my behaviour. But there's nothing I can do. I just hope that one day he will find that and understand. I am not like many people. I need that extra attention from him.

I miss him. I don't deny that. Come on, how can you not miss someone who you love and see every day? But I made up my mind, I need some time. He is getting tired with me and all my doings, and I am in a position where I really need his attention and not getting enough. I don't want things to get worse. Some time apart should be good for us to think and grow I hope.

I want to enjoy this one week of holiday before going for studies again. My friends are here for me. I have tons of stuff to do at home. I can think about stuff alone while jogging or doing my exercise. I chose the right moment. Time.

when actions and words matter

To tell you the truth, being in love is not an easy thing. Boy, such such work! I realized that the farther we are in a relationship, we cannot expect too much. Thing is, the farther I am in mine, I love more and I expect more. But they aren't happening. Instead, I have to expect less. Sometimes, I am grateful to just have a person who loves me. But at other times...I just wish that we could be more...I don't know, new I guess.
Back to the early part of a relationship. Those were the sweet times, when the attention is only on you and other things did not matter.

You see, guys think that by showing the actions of love, it's enough. But what I see is, what guys think is enough, girls will think it's not. And what girls think is enough, guys will also think it's not. Yes, girls really do appreciate the actions but at the same time, we need to hear it. What if girls decided to not say anything and just do the actions of love? Well, what would happen is that guys will never get their girls! Why? Because they don't know how the girl feel about them. Same goes with girls. Even though you might have gone overboard to prove your love, you still have to say it. Actions may speak louder than words but words clarify the actions. In love, you need both.

Anyway, I am not having second thoughts. I love him. And I treat him like I would treat my husband. They will never be another. It's just that, I cannot seem to be more than satisfying. I always feel that I am up against all these women (models, actresses, etc) that he likes. Okay, you might think I am being paranoid and childish but the insecure feeling in me is far much greater. I am scared of many things.

I do know that I still have to grow. Me and Him. There is so much to learn between us. There is so much.

a jot

Your Career Type: Artistic

You are expressive, original, and independent. Your talents lie in your artistic abilities: creative writing, drama, crafts, music, or art. You would make an excellent: Actor - Art Teacher - Book Editor Clothes Designer - Comedian - Composer Dancer - DJ - Graphic Designer Illustrator - Musician - Sculptor The worst career options for your are conventional careers, like bank teller or secretary.

What's Your Ideal Career?

It's been a while since I wrote right? I've been really busy actually. Man, life as a student is really hectic! Projects and assignments back to back.

Many things happened - countless. Too many to story. But last Friday, I lost my ring. My precious ring. It was a gold ring and I treasure it so much as it meant so much to me. I lost it during a movie. I was watching Gubra. It was a good movie but until now, I still am sad about my missing ring.

I lost weight these past weeks. I don't know how. I eat everyday. I eat more than before. Maybe it is due to my eating habit. I eat slow and often. Yeah, must be it huh? And this is also the cause for the ring to have fallen from my finger! My finger looks like skeleton's finger! Gosh, I need to gain back my weight!

Oh, guess what? My beloved bought me a new ring because he didn't want to see me sad. It is white gold and it sparkles! I love! Thing is, when I look at this ring, it makes me smile. It makes me think of him always and it also makes me think about his love for me. I began to appreciate more the things I haven't appreciate.

My mom and sister went to Bandung. I actually don't want anything much. I just want them to bring something back for my bf, his sister and his mom. I've become really close to them and I see them as my family. =) I am so glad that my bf's family accept me as I am and they also motivate and support me in anything I do - as long as it's not a bad thing.

Okk...I gotta go. Thirsty. ChOwWWwzZZzaaAAaa!!!