Under-mood

Want to know what I feel now? Not in the mood. I'm not in the mood to just simply talk to anyone, not in the mood to eat (even though my tummy is calling for sumthing...i think!), not in the mood to try and be happy, not in the mood to go to work tomorrow (but I have to), not in the mood to drive, not in the mood to chat, ...etc etc.

So why the heck am I in front of the computer? Well, because I'm not a sleeper kinda person. I only go to sleep when it's bedtime. Because at that time, my body respond to my brain telling me to shut my system. So, I go on the computer. I love the computer because with it, I can write, be creative and do my own thing. But right now I am having shoulder pain...the result from working too much on the comp (but my job requires me to!).

My bf and I had a fight (part of why I'm not in the mood). I guess life is not a glass full huh? And I couldn't believe that I fell for a fairy tale story. I forget about what I remembered so long ago. Love and faith to religion and God is permanent, eternity...whereas love to other people, maybe not. I believed that he would always love me and never turn away. I believed our love is eternity. I believed that he would never get bored of me. I believed he wants me for who I am. I believe he would be fine with me now and in the future.

But I realized...that one day...maybe someday...everything that I believed in will eat me up. He would maybe forget about me. Lost his love for me. He would maybe get bored of me. And fly away from me. It hurts me...it hurts me so deeply inside, so much that I feel my heart is slicing itself and tearing itself to bits. I cried thinking of the possibilities. In my cries, I asked God to help me. I know I have done countless sins and yet, I still hope that He would forgive me and help me. I asked Him to guide me in every decisions I make and to guide me getting through my faith.

I don't know what to do now. Either lie down or finish my work. I have 3 jobs which I have to finish by Monday. Unfortunately, I have to go to work tomorrow. My shoulder is aching hard. I hope it's nothing serious. Anyway, I thought about dying just now. I hope that I can die repented from my sins and being faithful to my religion. I asked God to help me in achieving my goal. If I am meant to die early, please help me solve anything that is unsolved.

p/s: I know he would read this. If not today, then tomorrow. If not tomorrow, some day. Just to let him know that I am deeply and terribly SORRY. I am emotionally fragile and it's best if I just be quiet for a while. Daa~

In His hands

Being in love. So many people out there think it's as easy as 1,2,3. And many think that being in love is so beautiful. It's beautiful when everything is right. It then turns bitter when the monster's out from the closet. Yesterday, I felt so hard parting from my bf. That unwanting-to-part-from-him feeling is so big that all I wish right then was the ability to just be with him every second of every day.

I prayed just now. I prayed and I asked God to give me a sign if he is the one. I want him to be. I now know why people in love always marry early. Sometimes, they've only known each other for 3 months, and decided to get married. Most, a year. I prayed to God with all of my heart. I asked Him for a lot of things. I asked Him for guidance. I asked Him for the will in helping me to be strong.

I cried. I feel so helpless. I feel so...useless. I feel like I cannot do anything at all for my life. I asked God to farther me away from Satan's evil intentions and from nafsu that will get me to the path of darkness. I want to be in the path of righteousness. But...I know I am weak. I keep falling into my own wants and those darkness traps. I asked Him to help me in keeping my faith to His religion. I asked Him to keep me strong in facing the reality in my life...the hardships...

I am a few steps away from graduating. And I am scared of what I am going to do after that. How am I going to juggle my love life and my working life? Moreover, how am I going to succeed to be a fully grown woman? How am I going to be prepared to be a wife someday? Honestly, I often think I can't. And I can't wait for the long years. Seriously.

I pray to God to help me get through my life. I asked him for any signs. And so far, what I get is taking a time out. For a while. It's like Him telling me that I have to sacrifice to help me be sane. I know if we stay together for really long, it'll drive him crazy. It's because girls are prone to talk about marriage. Guys, dislike that stuff. They only talk about it when they really are going for it. I, am surprising myself by always talking about it now. I know I got to stop. But I don't think it'll (the stop talking bout it) last long.

So, that's what God told me. Maybe I will try not being too dependent and try to be patient by not seeing him too often. Time-off? Not now. Maybe when it gets drastic. When it gets to the point that soem measures have to be taken. I pray to God with all of my heart and leave all the decisions in His hands.

I belong to Sorrow..

Haven't posted for quite some time right? Yeap, yeap. Hehehehehhehe. A lot has happened during my absence. I am now undergoing 6 months internship at Sri Pentas under Media Prima. Yes, I am in the building where many television stations, not to mention Grand Brilliance Sdn Bhd lives in.

Anyway, so far I have 2 jobs. Both for TV9. It's been nearly 2 weeks I'm here. 18 weeks more to go! Notice that when I say 18 weeks, it sounds shorter than me saying 6 months. I had a day off yesterday. Went to UKM to settle some unsettled stuff. And of course, met my bf! Hehehehhehe. I sooo miss him! We chatted a lot...and I just felt bliss being with him. There is nothing I want more than just being with him.

Ohh...guess what? These past few days I kept seeing artistes come and go at Sri Pentas. Saw Fasha Sandha & Jehan Miskin (again) just now. My bf likes her...I don't. Haha. Ahh...what the heck. I like seeing artistes, but not enough to like be fanatic over them. They're just human like the rest of us. The difference between us and them is, they have more money! Hahahhaaha. Of course, other people like Datuk2 & Datin2 also have more money. =P

God, I soo miss my bf! I am now really sleepy...due to late night yesterday and excessive travelling (yeah right!). I pray that we really are meant for each other and that day will come soon. It's not like I am desperate or somewhat...it's just that I kept thinking what will happen during the long length of time (if it's many many years to come). Sometimes, I just wish I'd never met him then and I would just meet him somewhere in the future where both of us are already making money and ready.

Goshhh...I have to do a LOT of things before I can go into that you know. I wanted to wear tudung permanently...but I have set a target for it. If I achieve that target, then I will wear permanently. I want to be perfect. Not only in his eyes, but in mine too. However, I always have these negative thoughts about myself. I know I am abusing myself with all these negative things...but I am powerless to control it. I kept asking myself, when...when...how...how... Ughh!!! I am so sick of this!

I am sick of myself being powerless of everything. Is this because of the way I grew up? Seriously, I grew up as always being put down by my mother. She kept saying that I can't be this and that. I need a motivation...I need some comfort...I need someone to help me...I need a strong current to lift my spirit up...I need a boost of...I dunno...of everything!!!!!!!! I'm helpless, I'm useless, I'm lazy, I'm slow, I'm dumb...I want to cry.............

Try better

I should be more considerate and understanding of my bf's position. I am trying to be better than the person I am. I still lack in some qualities and today, I had a test of that. At first, I was kind of down on some things that happened. But later, I realize that I have to understand. And that is what I am going to do.

You know, maybe I expect too much from him. Of course, as a woman, many people said I should. And most people think so. Because guys, simply, cannot have a girl too easy. That is why a girl's virginity is a treasure. That is why a girl is so protected by her parents.

Anyway, I am trying not to expect too much of him. I know a LOT now. I HAVE to be independent. What if someday, the unexpectable happen? What if, the thing I wanted to happen quickly will in the end, take many long years to fulfil? I know that I have to depend on myself. But somehow, I feel that I am helpless in all this. I depend too much on him. Is this right? Deep down I know that I have to plan something to make my future secure.

So, okay. I will try and try to be more independent and of course, more understanding of his situation. I have to get rid of my too manja self. I mean, manja is okay...when it's with your loved one but too manja? No-no. I have to find a way to motivate myself to be more and more dependent on MYSELF.

End.

Appreciate

I met my bf today. We've been apart for a few days. Thing is, I realize how hard it is to be apart from him for more than two days. He sent me home by riding on the commuter with me. And when we actually parted, a feeling came over me.

That feeling tells me that I need him for the rest of my life. I realize that I haven't done much appreciation on everything that he did for me. I do acknowledge...but I did not appreciate much. When I sat beside him on the train and talked about the future, I wanted so badly that the future is now. I mean, that we have our own occupation and is ready to settle down. I realize more and more that I don't know what the future holds for us. One thing I do know is that I will be with him.

I don't want us to always have a fight. But we always do. And most of the time, over something stupid and small. Luckily for me, he knows how to make it good again. He always know. I am so lucky in many ways. I am lucky that he's mine and deep down, I know that he loves me more than I can ever imagine. He has done so much in order to make me happy.

I have never been loved by anybody as much as my bf loves me. He showed me reality and let out the girl that's been hiding inside me. I am so thankful to him for discovering me and accepting me as I am. He waits for me and is always patient with me. When I reached home, I cried thinking of the stuff we went through together, all the things he did for me, the love that he poured for me...it all just countless to count.

But what matters most is, I should be especially thankful to God, the Almighty Allah. He has provided me the sincere love from a man that I have been waiting for. He guided me to him and him to me at the time we reached adulthood. I thank Him for still giving me a chance of happiness when I often stray far from the guided road. I am always searching for my true self and for the sincere spirit for me to go 'home'.

To my forever love,
You have been the greatest guy anyone could ever ask for. And I am so glad that you are my soulmate. I love you the way you are. And my love for you will never end. You're the light of my life, my best friend, my doctor, my life, my soul, my medicine...you're my everything.