...the end of report

I know it's bad for me to be feeling like this. Some of you would feel that I'm such an ungrateful person and all. But to endure this since I was a child is a hard thing, you see. I never had a good relationship with my mother. But I think they should be other people who have it worst than me.

Well, anyhow, I met a woman who have been through the lowest and now, the highest points of her life. She had been declared to bankruptcy in Jakarta years ago and also had her children kidnapped from her. I was shocked to hear her story and to see how faithful and spiritual she is. She thinks of God all the time and I thought it was amazing. It suddenly dawned on me of how many sins I have done and to see this woman, I felt so low. Her children are all very very nice and intelligent. Although only one of her daughter wears jilbab (scarf), but they were all very nice people. Her son who was only 12 then, became the family's source of income when they were on their lowest points. He works as an actor. And no, he doesn't seemed to have forgotten that he's a Muslim.

I want to go to Jakarta again. With my Dad and my sister. One day. Although I don't know when. Gosh, I can't believe I have written all this! But yeah...these are some of the things that I have been through. I think I should stop. I can't let everything out in a dash. One at a time... Tomorrow I'm going back to UKM. Want to go back in the morning but haven't pack yet. I'll do it after this. Also waiting for my bf's call. I hope he calls. Yeah, I better go. Good night and sweet dreams to all. Assalamualaikum. ChOwWWWzZzZAaaA!!!

Jakarta...what did I get?

Hmm...almost as if nothing! Well, I got few lessons and one of them is, never go travel with my mother alone. Because in the end, I get nothing. I wanted to buy souvenirs for my friends, my bf & his family, my sister, my aunty etc but she is reluctant to even let me buy something for myself! I was so frustrated because of that. If I want something, I have to convince her to buy it...which is not easy. And only if she finds that the stuff I want is to her liking.And no, my mother did not give me money to spend in Jakarta. She holds them all.

My mother told me to not spend too much and so forth. She told me that my father is currently having some financial problems and yes I know, he also has some business problems too. She told me to save! But how am I suppose to save if they are not giving me enough expenses to survive in college? And the ironic thing is, she spent quite endlessly in Jakarta! And for herself too! My father asked me, what did I buy? And I told him that I can't buy anything because my mother is the one who's spending too much and is not letting me make my own choice. I think that's why he let me choose any chocolates that I want (for myself!) when we arrived at KLIA. I LOVE MY DAD!

I am embarrassed because when my friends go holidaying, they buy me souvenirs. But when it's my turn, I couldn't return the favour. Before I go off to Jakarta, I had it all planned in my head. I want to buy him this, I want to buy her that etc etc. But when I get there, my plans went caput. There was one time when we passed Hard Rock Indonesia, I gave a clear hint that I want to go there. You can guess what happens next right? A 'next-time-we'll-go-there' from my mother. Yeah, yeah. When is the next time huh? Hah, I'll make sure the next time, I'll be the one happily go to places and buy what I want.

After this it will be my sister's turn to go with my mom. Bandung. I told her to shop and shop for herself. I told her to buy lots and lots of stuff for me as well as for the people that I will list later (planning to give a list of people to buy for). Just spend as much as my mom spend. Yeah, you can see that I'm pissed. I guess this is also due to the fact that I am almost 21 and I still don't have the freedom to spend. I envy other people who have very considerate, thoughtful and generous mother. I want to be that kind of mother when I have children.

to be continued...

Simple gesture set my heart in fireworks

Well, I'm at home. Having my mid-sem break. But I couldn't exactly say it's a break. Gotta do some assignments and some stuff. I have to check on my practical stuff...I'm having it after my short sem. Gosh, when I think about LI (Industrial Training), I feel that I'm finishing degree very fast already! I have few places to go LI already. And they're not bad!

Tomorrow I'll be off to Jakarta. It's like a holiday trip for me...I'm just going with both my parents. The others will stay home. They will have their turns when they're on their school holiday. My sister, Dini, will be going to Bandung with my mom on April while the other kids will follow to Bangkok (don't know when). I want to go to Ancol and ride the rollercoaster (I must!). I want to have fun while I'm there...while missing my bf of course!

The last week, it had been a best week for me and my bf. I guess we made an effort to make it great for the both of us. I tried with my every effort to make it happen...but I almost ruin it when I did something that I didn't think it would affect our effort. Thankfully, it lasted for a short while and we were up again. He was really nice to me the whole week that I didn't bear to part with him when it was time for me to go home.

Then, we meet again. Unplanned actually. But because I knew it would make him happy to see me, moreover before I go off to Jakarta, so I just went. It was really great to see him again...even if it was only a day apart. I have missed him so. He then sent me home by train. Although I told him that he needn't send me, but he insisted. It felt so nice to be sitting beside him and hold him. At times, he did some gestures that I like...and I smile silently to myself.

Arrived at the first station (for me), we had our McDs. Him - Flurry and I - Shake. Then, I'm off to my next train home. Whenever I have to part from him, I just have that feeling of...I don't know. Just a feeling of not liking it I guess. I have become too attached to him that it's quite hard to go away from him. But I think I actually can handle it...it's just my mind trying to weaken me. Yeah...maybe. As I was about to go, I took his hand and kissed it (in Malay it's called 'bersalam'...something that you do to people older than you and who you respect). And then, he did a really melting gesture. Gosh, I loved it!! Suddenly I felt as if I don't ever want to let go of him. It was just a simple gesture but it set my heart aflutter. It made me longed to have him by my side again and again...

My Own Ride

It's a daunting experience being in a relationship. It's part of life, yes, many knows that. It also is like a ride. Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. I'm accepting the fact that the hard times are for us to know each other better and try to solve things that are disturbing between us.

I have been thinking a lot. Of what I could do to make things better. I suck at being a good gf I think. I guess because I'm friends with mostly guys, therefore I don't really have that soft feminine touch inside me. However, each day I try to become the best of me to my bf. Sometimes, I'm a complete failure to make him happy when he's sad but I try to be there for him.

Life is short to live it full of arguments and fights. I want us to live a very happy and healthy relationship. You'll never know what could happen the next day, the next minute, the next second...and I want me and him to be very happy before any other second. I don't want to die regretting the happy times we could achieve instead of fighting. When I think about this, I have a determination in creating a more peaceful environment with us.

To be in love is such a wonderful thing...and I want to make it last for both of us. Time will let us discover who we are with each other and let us know more about one another. I am not ashamed at all to say that I love my bf because yes, like most people, my bf is everything to me.

My ride in this love thingy has taught me a lot. Even so, I still lack of certain skills that I certainly need. It's tough because I take a slow time in learning...but it's better late than never. Every day is a journey. And every journey is tough and at times, they can be rough. But this is my life. If I'm not going to go through it, who will? I may say more than my actions now. But maybe someday, my actions will speak much louder than my words. Life is a ride...and whether I like it or not, I am going to get through MY ride.