Whatever words I say, I will always love you...

Yesterday, me and my bf had a quite 'tense discussion'. It's not an argument because we were not fighting. He had this bad instinct, and took a sudden decision to come and see me. Well, he was right.

A friend of mine (from UTM) called and asked me out. Me and two of them (guys). I was not confirmed on whether I want to go or not. I know I didn't really want to go because in my mind was, This is not right. I cannot do this. He would not like it. It was also the fact that I somehow know he won't like me going out with them (well, one of them actually). Then, as I was writing an sms cancelling my going out with them, my bf called. With a very tense tone, he said he's coming to see me. I knew something was not right.

So, when he came to the house, we had very tense moments. He said some things that hurted me. There were so many times that I just wanted to cry...but I held it back. Although I kinda knew he didn't meant any of it, the words were hurtful. I remember myself standing there with him and felt one of the worse feeling I have ever felt - if he walked out of my life (okk..I feel like I want to cry now).

However far away,
I will always love you;
However long I stay,
I will always love you;
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you,
I will always love you.

Anyway, I'm glad it was only a short while. He just needed to make sure that I would never do anything that he didn't like and anything that would hurt him. We're okk after our discussion and went out together as usual. This time, our love is stronger. I know that now. I am so in love with him...no matter how long we're together.

You know, it's great that we had our magic with each other. All these instincts both of us get when things were not quite right. It proves that we have our deep connection with one another. It tells me that he is an important part of me. That I can never be without him. That he is the man in my life. I love you sygg...

Memoirs of an old writing

Something makes me want to write. I was actually in the middle of cleaning my room since my Dad just bought new shelf for the room. So, while I was gathering through things and sorting them out, I found my old writings in a file.

I seldom throw out any of my writings. I don't have a diary and so, if I want to pour out my feelings in paper, I would just take an A4, fold it and wrote in it. I found many of those. There were stories from the time I was still not very matured. Bitter times with my exes. Through the time I grew, I have become much more than who I was before. Back then, I was so carefree. I was still a kid.

I read about the lusts and infatuations...those were just puppy love. I read about my brokedown, when I just cried everytime I'm by myself...those were my hard hard times. I read about me finding my true identity...that was the time of discovering. I read about my confusion in life...I guess the answer will be just about anything up until now. And then, I found something that I thought was simply nice.

This was written on a piece of paper. I wrote about guys and true love. I've had it with unreal love and decided to not fall again until the right one comes along. I had made a list. And this was what I had written:

WHAT I REALLY WANT FROM A POTENTIAL BF

1. Careness...bunches of it! (Amik berat sket...)
2. Comfortable...can be totally myself. Can talk about ANYTHING at all.
3. Understanding...accept me as I am. Accept my changes.
4. Loving...a lil romantic-ness is no harm =P
5. Humour, witty & fun...craziness & childish-like (not too much tho) is much welcomed.
6. Sincerity + loyalty + trust + respect
7. Not a heavy smoker, not a clubber, not an alchoholic drinker
8. Never in any means try 2 hurt me...meaning he avoids doing/saying stuff that wpuld hurt/annoy me.
9. A friend/best friend...can go shopping with, laughing & gossiping with, supportive in good & bad times, my counselor/shrink
10. Sum1 who I can't live without...can't imagine my life w/out him + LOVE that doesn't fade away...lasting 4 a whole lifetime.

I totally forgot that I ever wrote these down! But of course, I had most of the points in my mind. Anyway, no matter now. I have a bf already. And yes, it's a serious one. =)

What is it? Does he fulfill all the points? YES! While I was reading this, I did think of him. And I'm glad to say that he's all I ever wanted. Not to say our r/ship is all smooth sailing because what r/ship doesn't have its ups and downs? But to conclude all, we have a very healthy r/ship I must say. I am happy and so is he. I can't think of any other man that I'd rather be with than him.

It's good to have God's blessings and to always pray to him for our lasting relationship. Amiiinnn...

I hate crying!

I don't know why. But I cry easily lately. Actually, I'm crying right now. Inside and outside. But I have to cover it because my friend is here, she is sleeping in my room now.

I've been thinking lots of serious things. I cried the other day because I miss him so much and because I was having these scary thoughts. I cried for two days. Now I'm crying because of what he said online. I don't understand. Why am I such a crybaby?!?! Is it because of too many things in my head? Is it because of my unbalanced hormone? Is it because of PMS? I don't know...

My heart feels..I don't know..I can't explain. I guess it feels like a knife is slicing my heart...I was doing something that I was forced to do. It's not like I want to go out, it's not like I'm so happy to do it. And then, he gave me a cold shoulder. I know he always does that when he's not in a good mood. But not now. I noticed that I am very fragile these few days. Seriously I don't know why...it could be something got to do with my hormones? It can affect your moods.

I love him soo much. I'm not the easiest person to be with. But he's the only one who can handle me. And since being with him, I have changed, according to my friends. And they stated that it's good. I've changed from my old ways...although slowly. I've tried to be a great gf to him. I've tried to be the very best that I can to him. And you know what? He makes me good again. Now. Online. God...I love him! ♥

The one thought on a Friday

What can I say about today? Well, it's not much a great day actually. I realllyyyy miss him. I am patiently waiting for him to come back. But my patience is running out. Just now, he msgd telling me that his flight got delayed. Aaarrrgghhhh!!! Okk...take a deep breathh...fuhhhh

Know what? There's so much story about breakups...this and that. I am actually scared. Even people who were together for 3-4 years can face breakups. I don't want that...I pray to God to not let us go through that road. I truly love him with all my heart. I've even given my heart to him, something I am very careful in doing.

But...I am scared. Does he misses me while he's there? I wish he misses me as much as I miss him. Will he stay with me for a lifetime? I wish we'll be together even after a lifetime. Does his love for me will ever runs out? No, I want the answer to be 'No'. I cherish this moment, our moment now...but at the same time, I want this moment to last forever. Never-changing the love we have for each other.

I pray to God so that we'll be strong together and we can face the obstacles and hardships that may come in our relationship. I too hope that we can learn from one another - our strengths, our mistakes, our needs etc. And I always pray that in the end, we only need each other and that we'll be together until death do us apart.

Aminnn....

THE CALL

OH MY GOD! He called! He called! He called! He called! He called! He called! He called! He called! He called! He called! He called! He called! He called! He called! He called! He called! He called! He called! He called! He called!

oh God...sygg, I miss u sooo sooo muchh!!!
I want you here with me...I want to hold you!!!!
I miss you 10 000x!!!!

The Power of L♥ve

I was reading a blog of a lady who just got married early this year...and had a baby in November. It's fun to read her journey of the first year of marriage. It's kind of entertaining and it motivated me in a way. I learn that when you get married, there is so much that you have to consider. Money and Love is two main factors. Nowadays, one cannot live without money. And without love, no marriage can lasts.

I was reading our chat log dated a day before he goes off to Istanbul. He asked me, whether or not I am ready to be married. Okk, let me rephrase that. It simply meant whether or not I am ready to be his wife? I am ready to be married. But frankly, I don't feel that I am ready to be a wife. You might ask why.

Here's why. I have a LOT to learn. I can't be his wife now because of the obvious fact that we are both studying. Not that I'm saying you cannot be married while studying, you can. Many people are doing that now (because of the cases we have here in M'sia). But we both want to finish our studies first. There is also the problem that I don't know how to cook. I'm good at baking, cooking simple stuff but if you're talking about Chicken Rice, main dishes (lauk-pauk) and rendang, lemak or something like that...I have little idea.

The main thing that makes me un-ready in being a wife is because I'm not good at cooking, keeping the household in one place and things like that. But after I read the blog and had some idea of marriage, I realised that I have to build myself up to reach that state. I want to be someone who is ready to be wed at any time. I want to be someone who can take care of her husband in the best possible way (and that man would me my now bf).

Some of you reading this might think that I am too fast. But I don't think I am. If I want to change, if I want to learn, now is the time. Who knows what age we'll be married? Who knows what age we'll be dead? Who knows what could happen in the near future? I want to be prepared. I want to be prepared for him. I want to be the best for him. Emotionally, mentally, physically, sexually.

Love does have its own power huh? It's changing me!

Incomplete

When he's not around, my life turned quite different. I become not as cheerful, I don't feel much in tune with the world, my tempers fall a bit short...to sum it up, I am not feeling at the top of anything at all.

My mom has been expressing the no-need-to-go-see-him and stuff. And I don't know exactly what it all meant. She gave me excuses that it's not safe, it's not what us Malay would say, "manis", it's wasting money (when I have totally a different view on it!) and etc. I hate it when she expect him to do all the givings and I do all the takings! This is my life and I deal it on my own. I will only take good advises that comes from her and not let her control the rest. If I want to give some and take some, it is not up to her to worry about.

Just because he has done and given me a lot, it doesn't mean I have to just be the taker in our relationship. Everyone has their own love story. This is mine. I wish she would just be supportive and let me live my life instead on judging and criticising me on everything that I do.

And there is the 'me' issue. I am insecure of myself..not around him but actually around his mother and his sister. Both of them are really nice and her mom treated me almost as if I were her daughter. His mom even said she trusted me with his son! Gosh, that's a big thing! But I am always alert if I said something not quite right to her or do something that she may not like etc etc. I don't want to do that...because as serious as this may sound, I do see her like another mother to me (well, if God allows it, she would be).

Thing is, I need him now. Here. With me. With all these things going on and these thoughts inside my head, he is the only one who can act as a tranquilizer to me. He mellows me. I can't imagine my life without him. I'd be...just not me I guess.

I try...
To go on like I never knew you,
I'm awake...
But my world is half asleep,
I pray...
For these heart to be unbroken,
But without you all I'm going to be is...
INCOMPLETE.

Yes, I would be incomplete. Just like the song. It fits. I need him in my life. Now and forevermore. No, I am not ashamed to admit...that I am in love with him.

Syg...I miss u soo much! Pls come back home soon.....i miss u baddd...my days aren't as bright as when ur around. I forced myself to smile...I forced myself to laugh. Every good thing all seemed shortlived. It's not the same without youu...

-end-

Him

I love my bf. I love him more than I could ever love any man (not to say I would!) except my father of course...but even that is a respectful love. And so, I truly love my bf. He is the #1 man in my life for now and forever. The one thing that I would regret is if we do not reach the final stage of our relationship.

There's never a moment where I don't ever think of him. Sometimes when I think too much, I got scared. Why? Well, things began popping up in my head. What if the unexpected happened? What if he gets bored of me? What if one of us becomes unfaithful? What if...what if...what if... Too many what ifs. I've cried when I got scared. I never felt the feeling before and I didn't like it. And at that time, I knew that my love for him was of no boundaries.

He taught me things that I never knew. I learnt to love him, my family, others and most importantly, myself. He made me want to be better for him and for myself. He made me want to change and he made me feel pretty (even though I am not). He loves me for me and I love him for who he is and for who I am with him. I took a slow time in learning how to be a great gf to him...and he waited patiently.

He is the one man who can handle me, who knows me inside out, who cares a hell lot for me, who is able to go through the hurt I have given him and still stay with me. He loves me when I could not love myself. He tolerates me in all of my bad times. He offers me his when I need a crying shoulder. He soothes me down when I am at rage or anger. He raises me up when I am not at my best. He tells me I am pretty when I feel like I am not. He takes great care of me when I am not well. God, I never wished for someone better. I love him and only him.

I used to have a hard time in trusting other people…him included. Although he questioned why I can’t easily trust him (long time ago), he did a lot for me. He said he will do/give anything so that I can fully trust him. But then, all I need was for him to prove that he truly love me. That was then. And in the course of our relationship, my bf never stopped believing in me. He believes that I would someday change by my own. He believes that eventually I would know how to behave better and know what is best. He believes that I will become the best of me. =)

I guess the point of why I am writing this is because:

1. I am thinking of him every single second.

2. I am missing him terribly bad!

3. I am appreciating all of what he has done for me

4. I want to keep this as an account of what loving him feels like.

5. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him!!!

6. And, finally, because I am in love with him and will always be!